I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Welp...herpes.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
