Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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