Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
