we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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