I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
