It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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