I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
