Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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