if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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