I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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