you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just gift wrapped bread.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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