God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
