i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
