3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
