he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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