perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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