I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
