Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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