Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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