I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
