sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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