and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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