Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
