I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
