I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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