Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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