Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
