He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
