I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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