Can i not drive my cunt home
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
