So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
