so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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