if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I still have a little drunk in my system
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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