Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
