you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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