Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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