I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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