when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
