chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
