Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
