if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
