bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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