I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
