i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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