Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
