My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
