i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
