i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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