Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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