I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
third nipple confirmed
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
