i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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